Assalamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullahee wa Barakatu
Islam is a simple way of life, and we as Muslims are following Islam (practising people) than why are we so complicated? why do we like to complicate matters? Why do you think there are so many good single brothers and sisters? These are questions on many Muslims minds whether they like to admit it or not. There are many answers. Aside from the obvious.
While it is very vital that one should carefully consider the characteristics or qualities to be sought in a marriage partner, some go to great lengths to make long “shopping type lists”, consisting of all the qualities they expect or desire in a partner, such as their background, level of education, a certain appearance/look, speaker of the Arabic language, high level of Islamic knowledge, someone who has gained knowledge abroad in a “Islamic country” and perhaps a great job.
It also seems that many people desire someone who is the total opposite of what they are, for example when they are not very religious, average looking, not educated, do not speak Arabic, do not have an outstanding job, their own home or a good income,…Yet they seek someone with all those qualities! I have met a few people who fall into this category as am sure you have.
What is strikingly interesting is that many people do not stop to identify their own qualities, or ask themselves whether someone with a similar high expectation would wish to marry them. This may sound crazy… but have you ever stopped to ask yourself, if you would marry yourself? as you are now and not as you desire to be! Are people in denial?.
There are also people that are in a desperate rush to get married; while at the same time they possess characteristics of selfishness, stubbornness, inflexibility, insensitivity, and ingratitude and they are poor communicators. On top of all of that, they are in denial and won’t face up to the fact that they have “issuses” of their own to solve before getting married. Marriage is such a serious affair that if anyone was to marry someone possessing any of the above he/she would be in major trouble!
I am not implying that if you lack good qualities that you should not marry. Allah exhalted has said in the Quran that “he will never change the condition of a people until they first change what is inside of them”. There is therefore hope as offered in many ayas/verses of the Quran.. However this hope is only on the condition that we establish and recognise that we have a problem and then strive to do something about it. Someone who is in denial about their faults will never be able to change their negative pattern of behaviour. After establishing your problems, the next step is to begin working on it diligently and consistently.
Couple this prescription that Allah gives us in the Quran with prayer and strong faith, InshaAllah, you can overcome any problem
I`m sure you have all heard of stories of selfish, abusive, drunks becoming good husbands or wife’s. Anything is possible with the will of Allah (swt) however a person who is in denial about their faults will never be able to change their negative ways.
In short: take a hard, honest look at yourself and if you decide that you can not be a good husband or wife as you presently are then before you make a long list of the qualities you seek in a wife or husband, start by listing what you need to work on. Next step is to work on these issues you have so that inshallah one day Allah (Swt) May bless you to be a worthy person someone who can be proud to call you their wife or husband
Another vital point to consider and ponder over is that as Muslims we should take guidance from the Quran and Sunnah.
In Islam there is a strong emphasis on simplicity. Yet, Muslims are getting more and more complicated, leading complex lives with conflicting and complicated lifestyles and hence making the matter of seeking marriage a complicated one. Remember that societies of very rich, middle-class and the poverty-stricken — all have existed in every era. Allah (Swt) has distributed sustenance to people according to His infinite wisdom by giving some more than others. This distribution is a test for every individual.
While simplicity has been encouraged in all aspects, it has been particularly emphasised in Nikah. The prophet (saw) has advised us to select the most pious partner, and has said: “Verily that Nikah will have the greatest barakah wherein the least expenses were incurred”. Abandoning simplicity in Nikah is a sure way of depriving oneself of the barakah (blessings), which every marriage requires so desperately. The Sahaaba (R.A.) were discussing some worldly aspects. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) addressed them and said: “Will you not listen? Will you not listen? Will you not listen? Verily simplicity is a part of Imaan. Verily simplicity is a part of Imaan. Verily simplicity is a part of Imaan” (Abu Dawood).
In relation to the issue of simplicity is that some brothers and sisters do not seek marriage for fear of poverty, e.g he doesnt have work, we dont have some where to live. I have however seen many Muslims (with imaan) who have married with hardly anything to their name and mashallah Allah swt has blessed them with sooo much. The Prophet (pbuh) said: “Allah will assuredly come to the aid of three: a man seeking to marry so that he may preserve his chastity, a person seeking to pay off a debt, and a soldier gone out to battle in the cause of Allah.”[Tirmidthi].
The other issue is that of delaying marriages, talking for months on end. The prophet (saw) has further advised that if a brother and sister develop feelings for each other, than there is no solution to the matter except marriage. He (saw) has said: “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1847; classed as saheeh by al-Busayri and by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 624)
Al-Sindi said, as noted in Haamish Sunan Ibn Maajah: The phrase “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage” may be understood to refer to two or to more than two. What this means is that if there is love between two people, that love cannot be increased or made to last longer by anything like marriage. If there is marriage as well as that love, that love will increase and grow stronger every day.”
However if that marriage comes as a result of an illicit love relationship, it will never be stable, because they committed actions that go against sharee’ah and because they have built their lives on things that will have the effect of reducing blessings and support from Allaah, for sin is a major factor in reducing blessings, even though some people think, because of the Shaytaan’s whispers, that falling in love and doing haraam deeds makes marriage stronger.
Further more, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other. The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him. And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.
So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.
The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.
Lets not follow the ways of the disbelievers, and misguided and follow the way of Islam that has so beautifully been laid out for us with many examples from the prophets, companions and tabieens.
“Indeed the people of Truth & sunnah do not follow anyone (unconditionally) except the prophet (saw) the one who did not speak from his desires-it is only revelation revealed to him that he spoke of” Ibn Taymiyyah.
Whatever bad experience you have had in the past take a lesson from it but do not dwell on it, for that is not going to bring you any benefit. Have tawakul trust in Allah (Swt) and dont let shaytan corrupt your mind with doubts. “Indeed there is no authority from shaytan, over those who believe and rely upon their lord (have tawakul)” “And relay upon Allah (have tawakkul:if you are believers. Al-Quran 5:23 AL-Quran 16:99
Don’t place a time frame on how long to get to know a person, there are some people who have not known each other long but have been married for a long time, and those who have known each other very long but have not stayed married for long.
Find out as much as you can about the person, get references, do istikhara (without any preconceived ideas) and than place your trust in Allah (swt) whatever the outcome.
And if it does not lead to marriage, don’t be disheartened. Allah (swt) has said in the Quran “It may be that you hate something when it is good for you and it may be that you love something when it is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know” (Surat al-Baqara, 216).
Remember also that none of us are perfect and whatever we lack in one aspect of our character we make up for in another inshallah. “A believing man should not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes something in her character, he should be pleased with some other or anothe trait of hers.” [Muslim]. The hypocrite looks for faults; the believer looks for excuses.
And Allah (swt) knows best.
Islam is a simple way of life, and we as Muslims are following Islam (practising people) than why are we so complicated? why do we like to complicate matters? Why do you think there are so many good single brothers and sisters? These are questions on many Muslims minds whether they like to admit it or not. There are many answers. Aside from the obvious.
While it is very vital that one should carefully consider the characteristics or qualities to be sought in a marriage partner, some go to great lengths to make long “shopping type lists”, consisting of all the qualities they expect or desire in a partner, such as their background, level of education, a certain appearance/look, speaker of the Arabic language, high level of Islamic knowledge, someone who has gained knowledge abroad in a “Islamic country” and perhaps a great job.
It also seems that many people desire someone who is the total opposite of what they are, for example when they are not very religious, average looking, not educated, do not speak Arabic, do not have an outstanding job, their own home or a good income,…Yet they seek someone with all those qualities! I have met a few people who fall into this category as am sure you have.
What is strikingly interesting is that many people do not stop to identify their own qualities, or ask themselves whether someone with a similar high expectation would wish to marry them. This may sound crazy… but have you ever stopped to ask yourself, if you would marry yourself? as you are now and not as you desire to be! Are people in denial?.
There are also people that are in a desperate rush to get married; while at the same time they possess characteristics of selfishness, stubbornness, inflexibility, insensitivity, and ingratitude and they are poor communicators. On top of all of that, they are in denial and won’t face up to the fact that they have “issuses” of their own to solve before getting married. Marriage is such a serious affair that if anyone was to marry someone possessing any of the above he/she would be in major trouble!
I am not implying that if you lack good qualities that you should not marry. Allah exhalted has said in the Quran that “he will never change the condition of a people until they first change what is inside of them”. There is therefore hope as offered in many ayas/verses of the Quran.. However this hope is only on the condition that we establish and recognise that we have a problem and then strive to do something about it. Someone who is in denial about their faults will never be able to change their negative pattern of behaviour. After establishing your problems, the next step is to begin working on it diligently and consistently.
Couple this prescription that Allah gives us in the Quran with prayer and strong faith, InshaAllah, you can overcome any problem
I`m sure you have all heard of stories of selfish, abusive, drunks becoming good husbands or wife’s. Anything is possible with the will of Allah (swt) however a person who is in denial about their faults will never be able to change their negative ways.
In short: take a hard, honest look at yourself and if you decide that you can not be a good husband or wife as you presently are then before you make a long list of the qualities you seek in a wife or husband, start by listing what you need to work on. Next step is to work on these issues you have so that inshallah one day Allah (Swt) May bless you to be a worthy person someone who can be proud to call you their wife or husband
Another vital point to consider and ponder over is that as Muslims we should take guidance from the Quran and Sunnah.
In Islam there is a strong emphasis on simplicity. Yet, Muslims are getting more and more complicated, leading complex lives with conflicting and complicated lifestyles and hence making the matter of seeking marriage a complicated one. Remember that societies of very rich, middle-class and the poverty-stricken — all have existed in every era. Allah (Swt) has distributed sustenance to people according to His infinite wisdom by giving some more than others. This distribution is a test for every individual.
While simplicity has been encouraged in all aspects, it has been particularly emphasised in Nikah. The prophet (saw) has advised us to select the most pious partner, and has said: “Verily that Nikah will have the greatest barakah wherein the least expenses were incurred”. Abandoning simplicity in Nikah is a sure way of depriving oneself of the barakah (blessings), which every marriage requires so desperately. The Sahaaba (R.A.) were discussing some worldly aspects. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) addressed them and said: “Will you not listen? Will you not listen? Will you not listen? Verily simplicity is a part of Imaan. Verily simplicity is a part of Imaan. Verily simplicity is a part of Imaan” (Abu Dawood).
In relation to the issue of simplicity is that some brothers and sisters do not seek marriage for fear of poverty, e.g he doesnt have work, we dont have some where to live. I have however seen many Muslims (with imaan) who have married with hardly anything to their name and mashallah Allah swt has blessed them with sooo much. The Prophet (pbuh) said: “Allah will assuredly come to the aid of three: a man seeking to marry so that he may preserve his chastity, a person seeking to pay off a debt, and a soldier gone out to battle in the cause of Allah.”[Tirmidthi].
The other issue is that of delaying marriages, talking for months on end. The prophet (saw) has further advised that if a brother and sister develop feelings for each other, than there is no solution to the matter except marriage. He (saw) has said: “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1847; classed as saheeh by al-Busayri and by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 624)
Al-Sindi said, as noted in Haamish Sunan Ibn Maajah: The phrase “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage” may be understood to refer to two or to more than two. What this means is that if there is love between two people, that love cannot be increased or made to last longer by anything like marriage. If there is marriage as well as that love, that love will increase and grow stronger every day.”
However if that marriage comes as a result of an illicit love relationship, it will never be stable, because they committed actions that go against sharee’ah and because they have built their lives on things that will have the effect of reducing blessings and support from Allaah, for sin is a major factor in reducing blessings, even though some people think, because of the Shaytaan’s whispers, that falling in love and doing haraam deeds makes marriage stronger.
Further more, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other. The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him. And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.
So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.
The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.
Lets not follow the ways of the disbelievers, and misguided and follow the way of Islam that has so beautifully been laid out for us with many examples from the prophets, companions and tabieens.
“Indeed the people of Truth & sunnah do not follow anyone (unconditionally) except the prophet (saw) the one who did not speak from his desires-it is only revelation revealed to him that he spoke of” Ibn Taymiyyah.
Whatever bad experience you have had in the past take a lesson from it but do not dwell on it, for that is not going to bring you any benefit. Have tawakul trust in Allah (Swt) and dont let shaytan corrupt your mind with doubts. “Indeed there is no authority from shaytan, over those who believe and rely upon their lord (have tawakul)” “And relay upon Allah (have tawakkul:if you are believers. Al-Quran 5:23 AL-Quran 16:99
Don’t place a time frame on how long to get to know a person, there are some people who have not known each other long but have been married for a long time, and those who have known each other very long but have not stayed married for long.
Find out as much as you can about the person, get references, do istikhara (without any preconceived ideas) and than place your trust in Allah (swt) whatever the outcome.
And if it does not lead to marriage, don’t be disheartened. Allah (swt) has said in the Quran “It may be that you hate something when it is good for you and it may be that you love something when it is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know” (Surat al-Baqara, 216).
Remember also that none of us are perfect and whatever we lack in one aspect of our character we make up for in another inshallah. “A believing man should not hate a believing woman. If he dislikes something in her character, he should be pleased with some other or anothe trait of hers.” [Muslim]. The hypocrite looks for faults; the believer looks for excuses.
And Allah (swt) knows best.
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